"Saying 'yer mom' implies fuckage."
"The crack didn't work!"
"Your boobs have to roam free with the buffalo!"
"They're ninja panties!"
"No one would let me be God. I was really annoyed."
"I won't date a midget to make you happy!"
"You can put tentacles in anything."
"Please don't giggle if I get assassinated."
"I'd prefer constipated elk to elk with diarrhea."
"I think I'm a horrible person. I just read adopt a highway as abort a highway."
"The little nerd boys are your squirrels."
"Charge!"
"Did you just tell me to charge at New Orleans?"
"Haven't the people of New Orleans suffered enough?"
"Your army of ninja babies would ride my army of unicorns into battle against his army of baby ducks and turtles!"
Road sign: Gusty Winds May Exist
(How...profound?)
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Overheard, Part II
Ciao, amici! Again, I apologize for having been remiss in posting. I hope to make up for this by amusing you with yet more ridiculous quotes from the ladies.
"You're the pastiest, skinniest beached whale of them all."
"What do you guys want for dinner?"
"You know what I want."
"Hooters!"
"You have Santa boobs!"
"What?"
"They're red on top and white on the bottom. Like a Santa hat!"
"It said 'licking the book!'"
"Michelle would be a very top-heavy muppet"
"Now with extra Arab! It's high in caffeine."
"I was a mostly German child, and no one tried to make me into food!"
"Midget!"
"Person curled up in a ball!"
"Midget!"
"Person curled up in a ball!"
"Midget!"
"Midgets are funny. Alright, midget curled up in a ball!"
*high five*
"You're not the right gender or the right species."
"No eating my head."
"Why not?"
"Because I need it for thinking."
"Real reason, Michelle."
"If the heater was squishy it wouldn't burn your face."
"My brain farted on it."
"You're huggy and fuzzable."
"I'm dirty...like a whore but not the fun way."
"I thought it would be fun to pet the tree but it wasn't."
"Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder if it's really your face?"
"I like to lick my lips."
"Stop quoting Nietzsche you bitch!"
"I think it should be called smookah because it's like smoke but not."
"But Rob with an army of turtles makes sense!"
I really should just keep a tape recorder on me. It would make for such wonderful blackmail material.
"You're the pastiest, skinniest beached whale of them all."
"What do you guys want for dinner?"
"You know what I want."
"Hooters!"
"You have Santa boobs!"
"What?"
"They're red on top and white on the bottom. Like a Santa hat!"
"It said 'licking the book!'"
"Michelle would be a very top-heavy muppet"
"Now with extra Arab! It's high in caffeine."
"I was a mostly German child, and no one tried to make me into food!"
"Midget!"
"Person curled up in a ball!"
"Midget!"
"Person curled up in a ball!"
"Midget!"
"Midgets are funny. Alright, midget curled up in a ball!"
*high five*
"You're not the right gender or the right species."
"No eating my head."
"Why not?"
"Because I need it for thinking."
"Real reason, Michelle."
"If the heater was squishy it wouldn't burn your face."
"My brain farted on it."
"You're huggy and fuzzable."
"I'm dirty...like a whore but not the fun way."
"I thought it would be fun to pet the tree but it wasn't."
"Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder if it's really your face?"
"I like to lick my lips."
"Stop quoting Nietzsche you bitch!"
"I think it should be called smookah because it's like smoke but not."
"But Rob with an army of turtles makes sense!"
I really should just keep a tape recorder on me. It would make for such wonderful blackmail material.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
On the Road, Week 1
Ciao, amici!
How are all you beautiful people? I apologize for the delay in this blog; my travels have left me rather weary, and I have frankly been too distracted to write. I shall therefore be splitting this entry into two parts, each detailing approximately one week in our journey.
Our trip started on June 20th. The road to Ohio consisted of a series of irritating incidents and unforeseen circumstances. First, that irresponsible tramp Carmel overslept; as she was in possession of the girls' gas-guzzling vehicle, this was particularly problematic. Even then, they were only running 30 minutes late, so it seemed that all would be well.
Of course, we forgot a rather important item (the hotel discount cards Tara was holding) back in Olney; again, because we had only reached as far north as Gaithersburg at this point, we felt this would still not take us too far out of the way. However, by the time we arrived back on I-270, it was 2:30 pm, and the lazy asses that populate the DC metropolitan area had decided to get away early for a weekend at the beach. Thus, traffic was unusually heavy until we hit the I-70 junction.
Traffic was flowing nicely by then. Naturally, we believed that this time things would go smoothly, thus landing us at Michelle's grandmother's house by approximately 8:30 PM. Again, our assumption was quite erroneous.
Soon after merging onto I-76, we found that the traffic had come to a dead stop. I speak not of the slow-moving mass of oversized vehicles you'd expect on a Friday afternoon. Traffic was at a total standstill; after a few minutes of idling, the girls finally thought to turn off the ignition entirely. After coming to the quite obvious realization that they could call someone with internet access in order to find out what was causing this wholly unacceptable situation, we learned that there had been a vehicle fire in a tunnel approximately 7 miles ahead of us.
The car remained essentially parked on the highway for the better part of an hour; it took another hour to move to the site of the aforementioned incident. Between exhaustion, frustration, and what appeared to be the temper tantrum of an irritated weather diety, the ladies felt this was an appropriate time to take a dinner break. I was of course relieved to have them out of the car for a period of time; it gave me room to stretch out, hop about, fix my eyeliner, and so on.
The drive went rather smoothly from there, but by then a number of hours had already been lost. We did not arrive to Michelle's grandmother's home until after 1 am. The girls felt rather guilty for keeping the gracious lady up so late. I believe it is her own fault for agreeing to host such inconsiderate twits.
These selfish beasts did not even invite me to join them in the still-hot jacuzzi inside this lovely home. I am the amphibian! Mammals are truly proof that there is no God. While they were relaxing in the hot tub, I was left in the car, while quite literally hundreds of dragonfly-like creatures referred to as "June bugs" surrounded me. Admittedly, they made a delicious late-night snack.
It is worth pointing out that Carmel drove the entirety of that day's 12-hour excursion. Her ass muscles were not pleased.
The trip has, since then, gone quite smoothly. The next day, we set out for Evanston, Illinois. We spent two nights there, spending most of the time in the vicinity of the Northwestern University campus in the company of one Anika G. The road then led us to the Lake Michigan coast in Saugatuck and Traverse City. This was a lovely and relaxing leg of the trip, involving leisurely walks and quiet afternoons along the shore, as well as some rabid late-night consumption of pie. Of course, the billboard sign advertising "Uncle Tom's Used Cars" did provide an indication of just how uncompromisingly white these towns really were.
This much-needed break was followed by a very long drive to Minneapolis. You see, the drive from Traverse City takes eleven hours, not including any rest stops. The highway led us through the upper peninsula of Michigan, then through Wisconsin and into Minnesota. It was during this drive that we experiences the longest sunset of any of our lives; traveling west at a rather high velocity in the middle of summer gave us the illusion of an extended sunset and dusk.
Minneapolis was, however, nothing more than a stop on the way to South Dakota. In their endless pursuit of road-trip cliches, the girls insisted upon seeing Mount Rushmore on their way west, which necessitated a drive through the vast, nearly empty landmass that is the state of South Dakota. A plethora of amusing billboards and signs were seen along the way, a number of which were condemning the practice of abortion. One of the more entertaining ones said in large, bold letters - I kid you not - "Your mother was pro-choice." Another sign proclaimed that "The wages of sin is DEATH." In short, many laughs were had along the drive.
The days spent in South Dakota were rather uneventful. We saw the Badlands National Park, as well as Mount Rushmore and the Crazy Horse memorial, and spent our nights in a rather small town named (perhaps misleadingly) Hill City. The girls' insistence on taking my picture at most major tourists sights garnered both them and myself a number of bemused and perplexed stares from passers-by.
At that point, we set out for the great state of Wyoming. That tale and its subsequent adventures, however, are stories for another day. Until then, take care!
How are all you beautiful people? I apologize for the delay in this blog; my travels have left me rather weary, and I have frankly been too distracted to write. I shall therefore be splitting this entry into two parts, each detailing approximately one week in our journey.
Our trip started on June 20th. The road to Ohio consisted of a series of irritating incidents and unforeseen circumstances. First, that irresponsible tramp Carmel overslept; as she was in possession of the girls' gas-guzzling vehicle, this was particularly problematic. Even then, they were only running 30 minutes late, so it seemed that all would be well.
Of course, we forgot a rather important item (the hotel discount cards Tara was holding) back in Olney; again, because we had only reached as far north as Gaithersburg at this point, we felt this would still not take us too far out of the way. However, by the time we arrived back on I-270, it was 2:30 pm, and the lazy asses that populate the DC metropolitan area had decided to get away early for a weekend at the beach. Thus, traffic was unusually heavy until we hit the I-70 junction.
Traffic was flowing nicely by then. Naturally, we believed that this time things would go smoothly, thus landing us at Michelle's grandmother's house by approximately 8:30 PM. Again, our assumption was quite erroneous.
Soon after merging onto I-76, we found that the traffic had come to a dead stop. I speak not of the slow-moving mass of oversized vehicles you'd expect on a Friday afternoon. Traffic was at a total standstill; after a few minutes of idling, the girls finally thought to turn off the ignition entirely. After coming to the quite obvious realization that they could call someone with internet access in order to find out what was causing this wholly unacceptable situation, we learned that there had been a vehicle fire in a tunnel approximately 7 miles ahead of us.
The car remained essentially parked on the highway for the better part of an hour; it took another hour to move to the site of the aforementioned incident. Between exhaustion, frustration, and what appeared to be the temper tantrum of an irritated weather diety, the ladies felt this was an appropriate time to take a dinner break. I was of course relieved to have them out of the car for a period of time; it gave me room to stretch out, hop about, fix my eyeliner, and so on.
The drive went rather smoothly from there, but by then a number of hours had already been lost. We did not arrive to Michelle's grandmother's home until after 1 am. The girls felt rather guilty for keeping the gracious lady up so late. I believe it is her own fault for agreeing to host such inconsiderate twits.
These selfish beasts did not even invite me to join them in the still-hot jacuzzi inside this lovely home. I am the amphibian! Mammals are truly proof that there is no God. While they were relaxing in the hot tub, I was left in the car, while quite literally hundreds of dragonfly-like creatures referred to as "June bugs" surrounded me. Admittedly, they made a delicious late-night snack.
It is worth pointing out that Carmel drove the entirety of that day's 12-hour excursion. Her ass muscles were not pleased.
The trip has, since then, gone quite smoothly. The next day, we set out for Evanston, Illinois. We spent two nights there, spending most of the time in the vicinity of the Northwestern University campus in the company of one Anika G. The road then led us to the Lake Michigan coast in Saugatuck and Traverse City. This was a lovely and relaxing leg of the trip, involving leisurely walks and quiet afternoons along the shore, as well as some rabid late-night consumption of pie. Of course, the billboard sign advertising "Uncle Tom's Used Cars" did provide an indication of just how uncompromisingly white these towns really were.
This much-needed break was followed by a very long drive to Minneapolis. You see, the drive from Traverse City takes eleven hours, not including any rest stops. The highway led us through the upper peninsula of Michigan, then through Wisconsin and into Minnesota. It was during this drive that we experiences the longest sunset of any of our lives; traveling west at a rather high velocity in the middle of summer gave us the illusion of an extended sunset and dusk.
Minneapolis was, however, nothing more than a stop on the way to South Dakota. In their endless pursuit of road-trip cliches, the girls insisted upon seeing Mount Rushmore on their way west, which necessitated a drive through the vast, nearly empty landmass that is the state of South Dakota. A plethora of amusing billboards and signs were seen along the way, a number of which were condemning the practice of abortion. One of the more entertaining ones said in large, bold letters - I kid you not - "Your mother was pro-choice." Another sign proclaimed that "The wages of sin is DEATH." In short, many laughs were had along the drive.
The days spent in South Dakota were rather uneventful. We saw the Badlands National Park, as well as Mount Rushmore and the Crazy Horse memorial, and spent our nights in a rather small town named (perhaps misleadingly) Hill City. The girls' insistence on taking my picture at most major tourists sights garnered both them and myself a number of bemused and perplexed stares from passers-by.
At that point, we set out for the great state of Wyoming. That tale and its subsequent adventures, however, are stories for another day. Until then, take care!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Overheard, Part I
Ciao Amici!
I have been quite busy of late, and therefore have had little time to post. A substantial blog entry is forthcoming, but in the meantime, I would like to entertain you all with a list of quotes I have overheard thus far:
"It looks like God poking things!"
~Tara on light peeking though rainclouds
"We're not skankhos! We're lovable scamp...hos..."
~Carmel on her and Michelle
"I don't trust your coordination with a floppy lollipop."
~Tara to a lollipop-weilding Carmel
"Do you want to lick it?"
~Michelle, on that same lollipop
"Being in the midwest is like playing a game of Find-the-Minority."
~Michelle
"The son of a bitch just bit my boob!"
~Carmel (apparently talking about a mosquito)
"I don't think I've ever gotten this much enjoyment from a pastry."
~Carmel on cherry pie
"Taxidermy doesn't make anyone feel better!"
~Tara
"I am intentionally conflating mammalian and chicken physiology."
"Are you trying to ruin our breakfast?"
~Carmel and Michelle over breakfast on Wednesday
"There's a wine-licking...uh, wine-tasting place"
~Tara
"I heard 'pants' too."
"That's because you two are dirty whores!"
"No, it's because your mouth was full of magical muffin!"
~Michelle, Tara and Carmel. No context necessary.
The girls may be ditzy, but it cannot be said that they do not entertain. Now if only they would find me an amphibious boyfriend.
I have been quite busy of late, and therefore have had little time to post. A substantial blog entry is forthcoming, but in the meantime, I would like to entertain you all with a list of quotes I have overheard thus far:
"It looks like God poking things!"
~Tara on light peeking though rainclouds
"We're not skankhos! We're lovable scamp...hos..."
~Carmel on her and Michelle
"I don't trust your coordination with a floppy lollipop."
~Tara to a lollipop-weilding Carmel
"Do you want to lick it?"
~Michelle, on that same lollipop
"Being in the midwest is like playing a game of Find-the-Minority."
~Michelle
"The son of a bitch just bit my boob!"
~Carmel (apparently talking about a mosquito)
"I don't think I've ever gotten this much enjoyment from a pastry."
~Carmel on cherry pie
"Taxidermy doesn't make anyone feel better!"
~Tara
"I am intentionally conflating mammalian and chicken physiology."
"Are you trying to ruin our breakfast?"
~Carmel and Michelle over breakfast on Wednesday
"There's a wine-licking...uh, wine-tasting place"
~Tara
"I heard 'pants' too."
"That's because you two are dirty whores!"
"No, it's because your mouth was full of magical muffin!"
~Michelle, Tara and Carmel. No context necessary.
The girls may be ditzy, but it cannot be said that they do not entertain. Now if only they would find me an amphibious boyfriend.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Pre-Road Downs
Ciao, Amici!
This is Firenze, checking in with his first post! The plans for the trip have largely been finalized; the girls and I shall be hitting the road on Friday afternoon. The car has been tuned up; maps and guide books have been acquired; routes have been (partially) planned out. We shall be spending one night in Ohio before moving on to Chicago and Evanston. From that point on, it's westward, ho! I look forward to what promises to be a truly grand adventure...provided, of course, that the girls don't kill each other. Or, more importantly, me. Current plans have us back in the DC area some time toward the end of July.
My next post shall be from the road. Until then, arrivederci!
This is Firenze, checking in with his first post! The plans for the trip have largely been finalized; the girls and I shall be hitting the road on Friday afternoon. The car has been tuned up; maps and guide books have been acquired; routes have been (partially) planned out. We shall be spending one night in Ohio before moving on to Chicago and Evanston. From that point on, it's westward, ho! I look forward to what promises to be a truly grand adventure...provided, of course, that the girls don't kill each other. Or, more importantly, me. Current plans have us back in the DC area some time toward the end of July.
My next post shall be from the road. Until then, arrivederci!
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